Do you ever just have one of those days where you just don’t feel pretty anymore? If so I am right there with you! Some days I just feel homely and nothing like my former self (childless…single) used to be. Now I am in no way saying that I don’t think that I’m pretty or fishing for compliments. Some days I just don’t feel like myself. I feel like I am everything for everyone else and nothing to myself. I am a wife, sahm, chef, chauffeur, maid, accountant, personal shopper, referee, therapist and the list goes on & on.
Being a sahm means that most days I don’t really have to “get dressed”, ie: wear something that isn’t yoga pants and a sweatshirt, like I used to when I was working full-time. Honestly some days I really do just stay in my pajamas all day long. If it wasn’t for the fact that I think my oldest’s bus driver would look at me like I was scummy I would probably stay in my PJs more often. But even “dressed” a bit I still don’t really feel like my old self. Yes I know that people change a bit due to their lives changing. I just didn’t realize how much I would miss the old me some days.
I’m not even talking about my early twenties. I’m talking about even a few years into marriage before the kids came along. The days that I would get up, put makeup on, really get dressed and leave the house to do adult things. What things? I have no freaking clue anymore, but I’m sure I did adult things like walk around Barnes & Noble aimlessly. Those days where I didn’t have to rush what I was doing because I wanted to make sure that I got home before my kids had a meltdown. The days where I thought those mothers who said that shopping at Target alone was like a vacation were joking!
So the other day I decided to actually get dressed, do my hair and put makeup on. My youngest was napping and I figured what the hell, it’s better than cleaning the house! My husband gets home later and looks at me and asks “Did you go somewhere today”? I said no, that I haven’t left the house. He then asks “Well why do you have makeup on then’? And I said “Because I wanted to feel pretty for a change”. Que to my husband looking that me like I was crazy and rolling his eyes as he walked away. I don’t think that he realizes that I saw the eye roll, but I did. And honestly his reaction hurt. Why is it so ridiculous that I want to feel good about myself some days?
It’s not like I plan to do all of this very often, because quite frankly I don’t have the patience. (Winged eye liner can be a b*tch to do!) But I would have really appreciated something better than him acting like I was stupid because I wanted to feel like a normal human being again. Is it really too much to ask for to just say “you look great babe” or even a freaking “good for you”. Why is it so crazy that I want to feel like Stefanie again and not just Mommy? Coincidentally I went to my parents house that day and even they looked at me a little weird, but at least they were smart and ignored the fact that I had really tried that day.
But after I got over their reactions, I realized that I don’t really care what anyone thought about it. It made me feel good about myself. I liked looking in the mirror and seeing myself, not just wife/mother. I got to look at my reflection and see the woman that I really am and not the slightly frazzled mama who depends of caffeine to survive the day. I got to be just Stefanie and it felt damn good!
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